Stop the Boats

By every available metric watching the current election campaign is like masturbating with a potato peeler. It’s a somewhat amusing but mostly painful experience.   

Neither party has a compelling (or believable) vision for the future of Australia, and the less said about their respective leaders the better.

When the terms selfie, sex appeal and shut-up are the highlights from the first two weeks of campaigning you know there’s little inspiration on offer.

As a legitimate swinger voter it’s disconcerting that there’s so little to choose from. Labor is committed to the NDIS, Gonski, NBN, budget surplus and of course, unlimited selfies. Across the great political divide the Libs will support the NDIS, provide the funding for Gonski (without applying the recommended framework), deliver NBN-lite, offer a PPL scheme, and return to surplus…all with some extra sex appeal.

But wait…there’s more. If you vote your chosen party into government on the 7^th September they’ll promise you the additional bonus of stopping the boats!

Heaven forbid we try to improve Australia without stopping those damned boats first!

While their respective policies on managing asylum seekers differ, the objective remains the same –try and entice as many voters from the ‘devout listeners of 2GB’ demographic by presenting ourselves as serious on border protection and the imminent threat of refugees on Australian society.

To be fair stopping the boats isn’t an issue exclusively owned by Prime Minister Kevin Rudd or Opposition Leader Tony Abbott. The processing of undesirable asylum seekers has been on the Australian agenda long before John Howard allegedly threw children overboard (or something like that). In fact, it dates all the way back to the late 1700’s.

You see when Captain Arthur Phillip brought the First Fleet into Botany Bay on the 18^th January 1788, a couple of indigenous tribal elders looked at each other, and in unison declared these boat people undesirable and immediately claimed “we have to stop these boats.”

Elders from surrounding tribes received tweets calling an extraordinary general meeting to discuss the impending crisis and find a solution that would protect our borders.  

Representatives from the Gadigal, Bediagal, Gameygal and Wallumedegal people convened to discuss the arrival of these new ‘boat people’, an issue that was causing a real stir amongst the local communities. Whilst some took a humane approach to the boat people, claiming it violated basic human rights and UN conventions to turn the boats back, one fervent opponent to the new arrivals expressed his belief that “we will decide who comes to this country and the circumstances in which they arrive!”

Battlelines were drawn.

After some early reconnaissance it was quickly discovered that there were many undesirables amongst the boat people. The vast majority were in a state of distress and extremely poor health, often carrying infectious disease and poor dental hygiene. Many arrived without paperwork to verify their identity. And rumours abound the vast majority were convicted criminals and felons.  

Whilst the Aboriginals were conscious that the land on which they lived was expansive and could certainly house a couple thousand extra people, the simple fact the boats arrived without any prior notification or negotiation was highly unusual, contravening common standards of international diplomacy.

An Aboriginal emissary was sent to neighbouring New Zealand in an effort to convince the Maori population to set up an off shore processing centre. The Maori swiftly rejected the suggestion, but were extremely grateful to be put on notice regarding the ‘boat people’ phenomenon.

Requests to the Cook Islands, Samoa and Norfolk Island were met with similar responses – “thanks for the heads up but these guys are your problem.”

Another suggestion brought forward was mandatory detention. Although the indigenous communities didn’t have the facilities immediately available to service this option, it was still a concept worth exploring. The idea was made redundant however when the boat people began erecting their own detention blocks to house the thousand plus criminals in tow.

Relocating the new arrivals to the southern island of Tasmania had dire consequences for the local indigenous population, and resettling the boat people back to the United Kingdom was considered but ultimately quashed. It was highly unlikely the UK government, having spent the time and money to ship six boatloads of felons across the globe, would readily accept them back into society with open arms.

The indigenous elders had one viable alternative remaining – temporary protection visas. An idea was proposed to issue the boat people with temporary visas, offering protection from the UK judicial system for the next 250 years, hoping this would allow enough time to rehabilitate the felons, or at the very least breed the criminal gene out. Then the UK could gratefully accept them back as upstanding model citizens.

Descendants from the First Fleet should note they have 25 years remaining before their visa expires and they’re sent back to Britain. The clock is ticking folks.

All sounds absurd right?  Couldn’t agree more, but the whole notion of ‘stopping the boats’ is absurd, especially considering Australia was settled (the second time round) by undesirable boat people. I find it appalling that our two main political parties can treat an issue of humanity so inhumanly. As a child of European migrants who arrived with their papers in check, maybe I should be distrustful of all of the Anglo Saxons I come across daily, for fear they might be descendants of boat people.

Should the Coalition win Government, an increasingly likely result, maybe they’ll come to the conclusion, as the Aborigines did before them, that you can’t actually stop the boats. The solution might be to position the Australian Defence Force (ADF) along the northern coastline and re-enact the opening scene from Saving Private Ryan. Each time a new boat lands the ADF can open fire. This way our soldiers gain invaluable combat experience in a non-threatening environment, and we don’t have to spend tax-payers dollars on establishing processing centres on Naru, Manis Island or the moon. And those lucky enough to survive the gunfire will have proven themselves worthy of...a temporary protection visa.

Actually, ignore that suggestion. If word gets to Scott Morrison he might actually take it onboard.